You are a horrible person
I saw that Karma came for you -
but I won't rejoice
that's not something I would do...
You sent me in a direction
one I would never go -
but I realize that now
how would I ever know...
I was drowning in hell
demons haunting all around -
and now that I am gone
not one of those fuckers is around...
You did me a huge favor
so enjoy your life living in hell -
you were just a portion of
my life that I will never tell.
If I could
I don't think I would -
I'm starting to feel
like I should...
Keep this going
living this way -
I am liking the
day to day...
The palm trees
the salty air -
the beautiful flowers
blooming everywhere...
I've met cool people
I've seen cool things -
I like living here
and what it brings...
It's been scary
it's been a ride -
but I've got family
by my side...
Why go back
when I wanted to go -
just because it
is what I know...
Now I'm learning
a new zip code -
It was I who said
I'm ready for the road.
That was actually
really fun -
maybe the time
has now begun...
Me in the free
dancing in the wind -
I can't wait
to do it again...
Totally new
and so very nice -
some famous people
some drinks on ice...
A bad ass uber
a very clean town -
only friendly people
hanging around...
I'm joining the gym
I'm driving the streets -
I met who
I wanted to meet...
I think I'm finally
falling in love -
and living what
I dreamed of.
It was a willing
choice to be made -
I dreamed, I hoped
I asked and I prayed...
So why does it cause
so many tears -
nightmares, anxiety
filled up with fears...
Thinking back on
familiar places -
missing a few
lovely faces...
I guess it is fate
it's too late now -
trying to adjust
to new ways somehow.
You said what you meant
and meant what you said -
You let it all out
what was inside your head...
Who cares what they thought
or if they'll ever talk to you -
what a relief that their
rude abuse is through...
It's only more closure
that needed to be done -
they aren't in your future
nor or they the ones...
You want to be around
or even ever see -
you spoke the truth and
the truth shall set you free!
The choice is up to me
half empty or half full -
scary and dangerous or
just new and very cool...
Regret leaving what I knew
or find new things to love -
worry about my future life
or live what I dreamed of...
Many chapters are written
in this book of days -
so open tunnel vision eyes
and live these better ways...
Where seagulls fly above
gorgeous white sandy shores -
while driving palm lined streets
that is what you are here for...
Live this new experience
that finally set you free -
to live the life you wanted
and where you wanted to be.
Everything I do
seems to fall apart -
I wonder why
I even start...
Just to face
disappointment again -
I wonder if
it's possible to win...
Rejection sucks
failure is hard -
my poker face
can't hide my card...
Just disappear
let everything go -
it's what I've learned
it's what I know...
I can't bloom
in toxic soil -
I bow my head
and just recoil.
Dreams really
do come true -
but there is uncertainty
with them too...
Especially when
everything is new -
and you don't know
what to do...
Except enjoy
the scenery -
the flowers, the birds
the greenery...
Taking each day
with what it gives -
Learning about the new
place you live...
This was your dream
for many years -
now wake up
wipe away your tears...
If after this time
you want to go home -
at least you allowed
yourself to roam...
Outside of your known
concrete lot -
Enjoy this time
with what you've got.
I'm scared dear Lord
please be with me -
I tremble each morning
as you can see...
I am not brave
and never have been -
what in this world
are we living in...
I pray for peace
and happiness too -
but my only option
is to believe in you...
Please stand with me
each day I rise -
until the time
I am at your side.
It's been overwhelming
and scary too -
but what is now done
will never undo...
The future is now
the past in the rear -
I'm facing the truth
and all my fear...
I wanted this day
I will try to see -
this huge decision
was brought on by me...
I will check back
a few weeks in time -
and see how I feel
about what is mine.
There's a brand new life
around the bend...
As my current life
reaches the end...
of the long ass road
I have traveled...
and now a new road
will unravel...
with a journey of cars
and family near...
I see a future
that is finally clear...
of the same O same O
I complain about...
Here I go
without a doubt...
I hope I love it
as I drive and ascend...
to my brand new life
around the bend.
Sometimes to gain something
you have to let something else go -
Change can be painful
More than you could ever know...
Yet as you walk down
the brand new path you travel -
you realize this has to be
so your new life can unravel...
So let yourself cry hard
and accept your salty tears -
then forge ahead knowing
a new exciting life is near.
I'm scared
actually terrified -
as I pack boxes
side by side...
It's always been
a dream for me -
now that it's happening
I can see...
It will be hard
to leave it all behind -
the life I have built
the life that is mine...
Leaving my job
my beloved house sold -
should I retire here
when I am that old?
Or should I take
a leap of faith -
knowing it may be
one huge mistake...
I've never done this
ever before -
I can't imagine
locking my door...
and driving away
from all that is here -
will I regret it
that is my fear.
Sitting here
with uncertainty -
what will be
next for me...
Venom spewed
sickness near -
what you mean
is made quite clear...
Stomach knots
through teary eyes -
humiliation
hidden cries...
No one there
to stand with you -
cutting ties
when binds are through.
Is it time
to finally be -
cut from the ties
that always bind me...
Seeing what
I want to see -
instead of living
forcefully...
Letting go of
what is behind -
with a new daily
sun filled grind...
and never having
to ever face -
the worn-out past
I will erase.
Nobody lives there
Anymore -
So why am I waiting
at a past front door...
They all have moved
or passed away -
there really isn't much
to make me stay...
So take the leap
on this bungee cord -
believe in yourself
believe in the Lord...
Why not live
before you die -
when you hesitate
ask yourself why?
Don't allow disrespect
for no reason -
Realize everything
has its season...
Why allow it
to happen again -
Only your choices
can make it end...
This may be
the next step -
because I'm done
with all of it...
I deserve a
smile on my face -
sometimes history
must be erased.
The rain is coming down
in my temporary home -
down in Corpus Christi
I wish it were my own...
Where the birds chirp happily
and the ocean gives its waves -
while my dogs are running restlessly
trying to behave...
We are all a bit sunburnt
I really want to stay -
Though I know in the morning
we will have to go away...
but for now I will savor
the pretty pool in my view -
and appreciate this trip
trying not to feel so blue.
It's sooner than you think
when you won't anymore -
it won't be much longer
you walk through a new door...
This will all be
Just a distant memory -
with new things in store
waiting for me...
What annoys you now
will never again -
just like times before
this time will end...
So suck it up while
you roll your eyes -
and look forward to
these future goodbyes.
I don't want to
but I have to let you go -
the pain that this causes me
is more than you could know...
My heart still loves you
but I can't cry anymore -
I can't change the outcome
so what am I trying for...
I will still talk to you
and pray to meet you soon -
especially when I'm alone
tucked up safely in my room...
I think you would want me
to go and live happily -
as I keep your memory near
within my heart safely.
Well I made it
another year -
thanks to God
I am still here...
Great things
are up ahead -
I wouldn't live them
if I were dead...
So thank you God
for this birthday -
I get really sad
but not today...
I will give
my thanks to you -
because it's you
who got me through...
many trials
and turbulent times -
but those are now
left far behind...
I see the beach
with a new zip code -
Come on God
I'm ready for the road.
Tick Tock
I watch the clock -
knowing this isn't
all I've got...
I see the sun
smiling on me -
where I am gone
and I am free...
I'll never see you
ever again -
I can not wait
until then...
For now I will
stay far away -
waiting until
that excellent day.
It cuts like a knife
yet numbs the pain -
it's all in a past
I won't live again...
So many regrets
just useless sighs -
it is a long way
from the last goodbyes...
Pointless searching
answers here and there -
though life has changed
everywhere...
The future's ahead
the past is behind -
keep searching for any
happiness to find.
I push it down
I pray it away -
even though
It shows up each day...
Am I wasting
what time is left -
what is given
and what is theft...
because I don't
feel it anymore -
I don't even know
what I'm here for...
I think it finally
reached the end -
I won't go through
this again.
It's ok to
change your mind -
things change
through time...
What once was
completely fun -
now seems so
over and done...
Maybe it's age
but I see -
nothing matters
much to me...
Except what
I keep near -
it's getting smaller
with each year...
So live these days
and try to smile -
we are only here
for a while.
It was exciting
flying so high -
seeing the sights
soaring through the sky...
Eyes wide open
wind blowing fast -
never thinking
it would not last...
Promises laid out
deals made in pen -
until disappointment
happened again...
The heavy door closed
slammed in the face -
no longer feasting
in the golden place...
Packing up memories
that ended too soon -
crashing to the ground
in a hot air balloon.
Reaching out
into the darkness
blinded by no light -
Swimming endlessly
in rapid currents
it is fight or flight...
Ego eccentric
from bygone days
is far from sight...
Angels smiling
at cornered demons
ready now to fight...
Broken clocks
death bells knock
deciding when it might....
End confusion
and past illusion
during the final night.
It's about to get
really real -
I'm about to see
how I really feel...
Everything is
going to be -
changed in
some compacity...
It is one thing
or another -
being a wife
and a mother...
I will always
be here too -
when love is all
you can do.
Numerous times
I believed in something
that didn't even exist...
Blindly following
fake smiles and lies
sealed with a kiss...
Words are spoken
never to be believed
awaiting the diss...
Pretzels and ice cream
the salty and sweet
sugar coated bliss.
With spring around the corner
will I find new life -
because I feel so down
dealing with constant strife...
I am trying to see sunshine
and appreciate each day -
But sometimes it is easier
to keep the sun far away...
I hide in my turmoil
then drown in my tears -
questioning what I have left
and how many more years...
I don't see much hope
why should I even care -
I am just existing
sick and tired of being there.
I can't save the world
I can just abide -
I couldn't even keep
my precious dog alive...
I can't be a savior
or heal the dying -
I can't prolong life
or stop all the crying...
I can only be the best
person I can be -
and believe in my heart
there is eternity...
Where all of this mess
will drift far away -
I will try my best
to live each day...
Striving to be someone
that others will see -
I care about them more
that I care about me...
and bring a smile
to those that are broken -
lifting them up with
gentle words spoken.
Now what
I supposed it is me -
why can't I
leave it all be...
Maybe it's time
to kick the can -
the wrong place
is wherever I am...
It never works out
only for a time -
nothing is really
meant to be mine...
quiet as a mouse
hidden away -
closing the door
as I walk away.
Here I sit just
two weeks in -
it seems that
I can not win...
I'm very sick and
on my own -
Yet, I'm happy
to be all alone...
This year has been
a crappy start -
my dog died
and broke my heart...
Now I sit with
some kind of flu -
I wish I could
just make it true...
Finally move to
the salty air -
because I am over
and do not care...
to live here
even one more day -
I need to finally
move far away.
I stand alone
and from afar -
way away from
where they are...
I've always been
quite intrigued -
though to them
I mean nothing...
but I longed
to go there when -
I was young
about to begin...
My favorite trip
was the PCH -
I'd go back
I wouldn't hesitate...
My prayers
are lifted there -
Broke or rich
I truly care.
There's only one set of paw prints
when there should be two -
it's now been a week
since I devastatingly lost you...
The snow comes down
I wish you were here to see -
I know you'd run around
searching for squirrels under your tree...
I am so heart broken
can you hear me call your name -
I have accepted my life
will never be the same...
No one will ever
understand how I feel -
I keep waking up
wishing this wasn't real...
My love my angel
I need you next to me -
Just like the weather
I am left cold and so icy.
I'll head home
you won't be there -
I'll search for you
everywhere...
Buddy will whine
and look around -
but my baby
won't be found...
I will endure
another night -
missing you
tucked in tight..
So many things
we did every day -
now I cry
the night away.
Facing the day
I wish it wasn't true -
I'm about to head home
and there won't be you...
Watching you die
is haunting my heart -
I am in disbelief
I am torn apart...
I have to go on
with responsibilities -
I hope that you knew
what you meant to me...
I just keep breathing
but all is so dark -
it is hard to live
with a broken heart.
Let the yard grow over
let the house fall apart -
let all of my surroundings
match the state of my heart...
Let the world stop turning
let my life fade away -
I don't see me wanting
to enjoy another day...
So many loves I have lost
time is only cruel -
I have nothing left in me
I have no more fuel...
I don't care to rise up
and face the week ahead -
I literally hope inside my soul
that I can now be dead.
Like a beautiful ray of happiness
she left as fast as she came -
and I know in my broken heart
life will never be the same...
I've had her since she was eight weeks old
and loved her with all of my heart -
the fact that she is already gone
is painful and has broken my heart...
How will I ever go on
as I keep on breaking down -
When I sit in our special places
it kills me she is not around...
I don't understand why this happened
why did she have to go-
there was so much life left to live
I guess I will never know...
I hope somehow she feels that I
am devasted and love her so -
Oh my baby, my precious pup
why did you have to go.
I wish I could call you
but you are gone now too -
I am feeling hopeless
and don't know what to do...
You always made me see
sad things from your view -
you always made it better
and helped me to pull through...
I need your honest humor
and voice to make me smile -
I need to sit on the patio
and visit for a while...
I hope that she found you
and together you will be -
in that place of paradise
waiting patiently for me.
While everybody lives
I'll just die away -
I don't think I can take
living another day...
No more heartache
no more tears galore -
I don't even know
what I'm on earth for...
Just one more thing
to tear me into -
I should realize
this is nothing new...
Feeling so down
feeling torn apart -
just go on and take it
I don't need a heart.
Can I? Will I?
I don't know...
Why did my baby
have to go...
She held on as
best she could -
I did all they
said I should...
Now all have is a
ball of her hair...
I hold it close because
she's not there...
There is nothing else
I could do...
My heart is broken
right into.
No one will ever
feel like I do -
I don't even know
if I'll pull through...
I reach out my hand
to touch her fury face -
she was always beside me
that was her place...
How will I get through
this horrible pain -
what was the purpose
what did it gain...
She still had life
I tried in vain -
why is she gone
nothing is the same...
My heart is shattered
my stomach in knots -
my head is pounding
with depressing thoughts...
This is just horribly
terribly sad -
I'm torn apart
and yes I'm mad...
My precious girl
I'll love you till I die -
Let your ghost visit me
as I lay here and cry.
While the world celebrates
I'll sit here with my tears -
It is another heartbreak
and all of my worst fears...
There is nothing I can do
as once again I see -
it is inevitable
as she lies next to me...
The scar on my body
will last through my life -
but it is not as large
as the heartbreak of goodbye...
I pray for a miracle
I beg for health to return -
I suppose this is the price
when will I ever learn...
Love is full of pain
and only a matter of time -
until what you loved
has left you behind.
